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I’m not easily intimidated. There are very few things that truly catch me off guard. I would say there are plenty of things I’m pretty confident about. That being said, it’s time for a little confession that may be a little shocking to you: I’m the most insecure person I know.

Just this week, I found myself very offended at not being included in what I’ve heard was an event no one should ever miss. I didn’t know how to respond to the countless pictures, videos, tweets and facebook posts that I couldn’t help but look at. But the more I looked, the more my heart broke…and the more I convinced myself that these people didn’t want me around. Two days later, a good buddy accused me of being “weird as hell”. I tried to laugh it off, but he was spot on.

Lately, I’ve noticed myself pushing people away. It’s not something I want to do, but if I feel like people are letting go, I try to beat them to the punch so I’m not the one left shattered on the floor. The problem is, that’s only hurting me in the end. See, somewhere along the line, I choose to agree with the lie that I’m never going to be enough; good enough, strong enough, pretty enough. It’s a crippling disease, this fear stuff. It’s costed me friendships, caused me countless heart breaks and has affected the way I work and the way the people I work with view me. When you don’t believe in yourself, it’s pretty difficult for anyone else to believe in you.

Every day is a battle in my mind, and most days it feels as if I’m losing the war. What I do know is that I can’t go on functioning this way.

I’m so thankful for the fact that His mercies aren’t just new in the mornings, but that they’re new even now. And now is the time for change. Now is the time that I tell my good friend insecurity that he’s over stayed his welcome. Now is the time to have a victory. The plans are rolling out and I’m excited for the chance to prove my worth…not to anyone else but myself.

when there’s nothing to believe in, I believe in you
forget the past and let My hand in yours be the proof
though the strong could be my company, you’re the one I choose
so, remember, I believe in you

I know it feels like every eye is watching you
waiting for you to fall, expecting you to lose
but I see victory, so all you have to do
is remember, I believe in you

there will come a day when Love will lift you out of here
there will come a day when Love will bring the truth
there will come a day when Love will free you from your fear
and you’ll remember: I believe in you

I believe even when I see you crying
I believe – let Me dream for you
when nothing comes from trying
remember: I believe in you

I woke up in a weird mood today. I’ve been feeling very burdened lately; everything just seems heavy. It’s causing me to see things in a light that I normally wouldn’t and also allowing me to be really honest with myself.

This past weekend I allowed a dear friend to see a very ugly side of my heart. I knew that if anyone could understand the whereabouts of my heart as of late, it would be her. It shouldn’t have surprised me in the least when she knew what I wanted to talk about…even called me out on it. Guess I’m not as mysterious as I’d like to think.

Matters of the heart are tricky. Everything turns into this big gray mess of blurry lines and sometimes it’s hard to figure out how you got to where you are. All I know is that the things I always thought would come easy are the most difficult things to deal with. It’s seems so easy to be just who I am and to allow people in to my story. But when people start reading a little deeper in to the chapters, I just want to snatch the book out of their hands and throw it back under the bed. I keep hearing people say that everybody wants to be known, but honestly, the feeling of being truly known just makes me want to vomit.

I could tangibly see the fear in my dear friend’s eyes as I invited her to see the brokenness I’ve created for myself. And just when I was getting ready to close the book, she allowed me to read a new chapter in her story, too. I realized then that her fear was that I was going through the very things she saw herself go through at my age. There wasn’t an ounce of judgement in her face or the tone in which she spoke to me; sincerity was all that flowed from her heart. And just like that, I decided to leave the book in her hands.

I believe that God puts us with people at just the right moment. My heart really is going on a path all its own and I really don’t like it. But I’m so thankful that I have an amazing friend who will walk beside me even when the chapters get messy.

I had written out an entire blog yesterday about the power of our words, but never found the time to post it. I was really bummed, too….because I thought it was good. Then, I found out at the last minute that my old roommate, Christa Black, was speaking at our old church (that I still love) Grace Center down in Franklin. At first, I was a little upset that no one was available to come with me. But the minute Christa started speaking, I was glad to be there alone.

First off, just seeing my sweet sister was good for my heart. I honestly think I hadn’t seen her in at least 3 years. She and Luke were part of my daily life for a very long time and HUGE encouragers of my spiritual growth. Being able to watch her grow into this even more amazing (if that was even possible) form of herself and to be able to have this huge platform has been such a blessing. She began touring with the Jonas Brothers (no, really) and their fan base welcomed her in with open arms. Because of them, she started writing a blog and now, that blog is a really successful book – God Loves Ugly. She’s an amazing communicator. I’m so proud.

Last night at Grace Center, Christa got up and spoke about…the power of our words. WHOA! Think I needed to hear that? Christa explained that we were made for love and to give love. She talked about a scientist who literally spoke to water both words of love and words of hate over the water.

When Dr. Emoto said to the water: ‘you make me sick!’, this is what the molecules looked like:

When he said: ‘I love you, live!’, the molecules looked like this:

I know this seems a little far fetched, and to some of you it may be. But follow this: John 10:10 says ‘The enemy comes to steal, kill and destroy…’ I’m sure you could think of all the words that have been spoken over you that steal your joy, kill your livelihood and definitely destroy your heart. I know I have. I can remember the cruel words that have dictated so much of my life…’you’re ugly’…’you’re fat’…’you’re never gonna be anything’…’no one will ever love you’…and on and on and on and on. My childhood wasn’t all flowers and butterflies, so words of hatred have always been what I see in the mirror. I tend to be a pretty tough girl, but I can’t tell you the nights I’ve spent in my room crying over the life I knew I’d never have. But, thankfully, the verse doesn’t end there! It continues: ‘…but I have come that you may have life, and have it abundantly!”. How then, can I (or you, for that matter) continue to speak anything but words of life over ourselves and others?

I left last night in sobs (not in front of anyone…I don’t cry in public). I talked with Jesus the whole way home and just pleaded for him to fill the holes in my heart so that when love came to speak the truth in me, it wouldn’t just slip out. I prayed for myself to be able to see people the way he does and for the opportunities to speak life and love to everyone around me.

I’m doing 40 days of notes for lent, and after last night, I’m excited to keep writing to the people in my life. I can’t wait to see how God uses these next 33 days.

All for love
My Jesus You gave all for love
I’m standing in the wonder of
Your great love

little birdy told me…

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