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I’m not easily intimidated. There are very few things that truly catch me off guard. I would say there are plenty of things I’m pretty confident about. That being said, it’s time for a little confession that may be a little shocking to you: I’m the most insecure person I know.

Just this week, I found myself very offended at not being included in what I’ve heard was an event no one should ever miss. I didn’t know how to respond to the countless pictures, videos, tweets and facebook posts that I couldn’t help but look at. But the more I looked, the more my heart broke…and the more I convinced myself that these people didn’t want me around. Two days later, a good buddy accused me of being “weird as hell”. I tried to laugh it off, but he was spot on.

Lately, I’ve noticed myself pushing people away. It’s not something I want to do, but if I feel like people are letting go, I try to beat them to the punch so I’m not the one left shattered on the floor. The problem is, that’s only hurting me in the end. See, somewhere along the line, I choose to agree with the lie that I’m never going to be enough; good enough, strong enough, pretty enough. It’s a crippling disease, this fear stuff. It’s costed me friendships, caused me countless heart breaks and has affected the way I work and the way the people I work with view me. When you don’t believe in yourself, it’s pretty difficult for anyone else to believe in you.

Every day is a battle in my mind, and most days it feels as if I’m losing the war. What I do know is that I can’t go on functioning this way.

I’m so thankful for the fact that His mercies aren’t just new in the mornings, but that they’re new even now. And now is the time for change. Now is the time that I tell my good friend insecurity that he’s over stayed his welcome. Now is the time to have a victory. The plans are rolling out and I’m excited for the chance to prove my worth…not to anyone else but myself.

when there’s nothing to believe in, I believe in you
forget the past and let My hand in yours be the proof
though the strong could be my company, you’re the one I choose
so, remember, I believe in you

I know it feels like every eye is watching you
waiting for you to fall, expecting you to lose
but I see victory, so all you have to do
is remember, I believe in you

there will come a day when Love will lift you out of here
there will come a day when Love will bring the truth
there will come a day when Love will free you from your fear
and you’ll remember: I believe in you

I believe even when I see you crying
I believe – let Me dream for you
when nothing comes from trying
remember: I believe in you

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I woke up in a weird mood today. I’ve been feeling very burdened lately; everything just seems heavy. It’s causing me to see things in a light that I normally wouldn’t and also allowing me to be really honest with myself.

This past weekend I allowed a dear friend to see a very ugly side of my heart. I knew that if anyone could understand the whereabouts of my heart as of late, it would be her. It shouldn’t have surprised me in the least when she knew what I wanted to talk about…even called me out on it. Guess I’m not as mysterious as I’d like to think.

Matters of the heart are tricky. Everything turns into this big gray mess of blurry lines and sometimes it’s hard to figure out how you got to where you are. All I know is that the things I always thought would come easy are the most difficult things to deal with. It’s seems so easy to be just who I am and to allow people in to my story. But when people start reading a little deeper in to the chapters, I just want to snatch the book out of their hands and throw it back under the bed. I keep hearing people say that everybody wants to be known, but honestly, the feeling of being truly known just makes me want to vomit.

I could tangibly see the fear in my dear friend’s eyes as I invited her to see the brokenness I’ve created for myself. And just when I was getting ready to close the book, she allowed me to read a new chapter in her story, too. I realized then that her fear was that I was going through the very things she saw herself go through at my age. There wasn’t an ounce of judgement in her face or the tone in which she spoke to me; sincerity was all that flowed from her heart. And just like that, I decided to leave the book in her hands.

I believe that God puts us with people at just the right moment. My heart really is going on a path all its own and I really don’t like it. But I’m so thankful that I have an amazing friend who will walk beside me even when the chapters get messy.

little birdy told me…

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