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Every now and again you just have a day. There’s not a single adjective appropriate enough to describe it…it’s just a day. That’s what today was for me.

If you ask anyone who knows me well enough, they’ll tell you I’m a performer. I always feel the need to be on my game and usually will work myself tirelessly to get a job done; whatever it takes. So, when these ‘days’ come along, it really throws me for a loop. As a performer, the worst thing possible is to be disappointing. The deepest wounds in my life surface anytime I feel like I’ve disappointed someone. ‘You should just quit while you’re ahead’. ‘No one here likes you anyway’. ‘You’re not good enough’. ‘You’ll never be good enough’. ‘You’re unworthy of this’. ‘You’re damaged…useless…disgusting…’ How does the enemy do that? How does he take just one little thing and turn our world upside down? Why do we continue to listen to the lies and believe them? He came to steal, kill, and destroy and he’s so good at it! In those moments where he is stealing my joy, killing my heart, and destroying my world, I choose to listen to the still small whispers from the One who says I’ve never been unloved and who I am is enough.

I’m learning each day that just because something is said doesn’t make it true. I can’t control what people are going to think or say about me, but I can control how I react to it or how it affects me. There are things that aren’t perfect in my life. I’ve overcome some amazing and terrible things in my short 24 (almost 25!) years. But these things don’t define who I’m becoming…they show me what can’t and won’t stop me.

Don’t listen to the lies.

I love going home. It’s so great to be around my friends and family and to have no pretenses. It’s not like I could pretend anyway…these people have known me my whole life. But good GRIEF is it exhausting. There’s a constant battle that anyone who lives far away from ‘home’ must endure: friends + family / time = vacation. There never seems to be enough time to spend with the people I want to spend time with. It’s also rare to just go home…usually, there’s an agenda involved and that totally kills any and all practicality in planning visits. Case in point: my parents decided to have a little birthday party for me while I was home. My dad grilled, which is my favorite. They got red velvet cake, also my favorite. My family was over…it was a sweet time….for the hour and a half that I was there. 1 burger, no cake, 2 presents, 30 minutes in the pool later, I was out the door and on to my next gig. It just doesn’t seem fair.

Don’t get me wrong. I was there for a purpose. My sweet sister Marci got married. I was so honored that she asked me to be a part of it. It’s amazing to see how God brings people together…Marci and Travis are no exception. To be a part of their day, and to be called to hold them accountable in their marriage is one of my greatest honors. I don’t feel like I got to participate in that process as much as I wanted either. Taking time off from work is difficult when your job circles around one specific day. I love it and wouldn’t trade it for the world, but I get stressed when I’m away from it for more than two days. I missed out on bridal shower and bachelorette party, which was a bummer – and also not like me. I’m an all-in kind of girl, so just doing things in halfsies sort of way really makes my skin crawl. I came back from this weekend saying ‘I need a vacation from my vacation’…and I hate that.

Here’s the thing. We live in a day and age where we over-commit ourselves on an almost daily basis. I’m probably the most guilty of this of anyone I know. But there has to be a better way to find balance.

How do you do all things you need to do or have to do and still find time for just you and what you want to do?

You can ask anyone that knows me well enough, and they’ll tell you that I’m the worst at keeping in touch. So it should come as no surprise that I’ve been silent for a few months. Lots to say, just not the best forum for a late night post. I can be pretty dramatic when it comes to words on a page.

When I started this blog, I wanted it to be a place where I could dialogue about my life and journey here in Tennessee. Something that would be accessible to my family, since I never pick up the phone…see also: worst at keeping in touch. I still don’t think I’ll ever keep it going every day, but here goes…

I’ve been serving on staff at Cross Point for 8 months now (which doesn’t seem possible) and love it just as much as I did on day 1. At times, I feel completely inadequate and unworthy, but those are the times when the amazing staff I serve with remind me that God doesn’t call the equipped. I can’t remember what my life was like before this amazing family came into my life, and I know that I couldn’t do this life without them. So many new friends have been brought into my life and I’m so thankful for them.

I’m going back to Texas this weekend for a wedding for my dear friend, Marci. I’m honored to be a part of her and Travis’ day. Going home is painfully exhausting, though, and I always wish there were about 7 of me to divide up between my family and friends. I’ve yet to travel home and make everyone happy. If you have any secrets, I’d love to know ’em.

I’m so excited and will be 100% selfish of the time I’ll be spending with my family. If you didn’t know, my parents are pretty fantastic. I can’t wait to see our new house…er, their new house…I think we’ve reached that point where my parents have grown up and are finally living their lives. And they are SO much cooler than I am. Seriously though, my parents go to more concerts than I do and I live in Music City! I love them!

At what point do our parents start living life better than we do?

little birdy told me…

Recurring Thoughts

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