You’re reading part seven of my 30 (ish) day blog challenge. Here’s what you’ve missed so far:

Day 1 — Your best friend – Rachel
Day 2 — Your vices – Just Read It
Day 3 — Your parents – Barry & Carla
Day 4 — Your siblings – Barry & Daryl
Day 5 — Your dreams – I’ve got lots
Day 6 — Someone that inspires you – Stacey

Clearly it’s not September 7th. Clearly, this won’t be 30 exact days. I have started this blog over and over and over again since the seventh. I didn’t know what to tell you…whoever you are. Because telling you the truth would be telling you my fears and failures…and I’ve never been that open before…at least not in a public forum. But here I am, on September 23rd, ready to tell you of my roller coaster of emotions over this month.

I was contacted a month ago today, by the grace of God, about an amazing job offer. To assist the extremely gifted and hilarious pastor at the church I attend. Everything happened so fast. I went in confidently. I had the experience, having worked at a church in Texas for the past two years, and love administration/pastoral care. My sweet, sweet mom prayed over me before I went in and I left that afternoon knowing that I nailed it. I have a lot of friends in common with this guy, I have the experience, I’m fun and quirky. I was told that I’d be hearing back over the next week. I had told a few people about it and they were all super encouraging. One of the best being our Youth Coordinator, Jehan. Seriously, the woman is blessed. Anytime I’m around her, she’s so calm and collected and just breathes out a sense of peace. And she told me not to worry about it. So, I stopped. And I really didn’t think anything about it until that ‘next week’ came and inevitably went.

That’s when my old friend doubt showed up. I convinced myself that this was MY job and that the way God showed it to me was no accident (seriously though, I dropped my bulletin while praying for a job and the announcement was where my thumb was) and there was no one else who could do it. Outwardly, I was fine. But it was the inside of me that fully became jealous and worried. All of the sudden, I realized that my life in Nashville depended on this job.

A week and a half ago, I got an email saying that I didn’t get the job. I’m not a crier, so that didn’t happen, but my world collapsed. What is wrong with me? Why didn’t they like me? Who is this person that took my job? What’s so much greater about them? (SIDENOTE: this is not about the girl who got the job. I’ve yet to meet her, but I hear great things. This is about me, ONLY me, and my own fears of my self-worth.) What am I supposed to do now? Yeah…me and doubt go WAYYYYY back. I became embarrassed. How could I ever show my face in that building again? They’d all be laughing at me. I was cleaning my room when I got that email and, for the second time in just a few short weeks, I dropped my bulletin and out fell my notes.

We’ve started a new series at Crosspoint called “Empty Promises” and the first week, the preview week, Pete had us take a quiz to find out what our idols were. I looked in complete shock and amazement because, although I had only taken it the day before, I couldn’t believe my answers.

Success and Work.

You have no worth without a job title. People will not respect you or befriend you without a cool job. It’s all about who you know and who you’re associated with. “That job” is beneath you…that’s reserved for lowly college kids. All of your friends are rockstars…what’s your problem? These are the lies that I’ve believed about myself over the past 5 years. And with reason: my best guy friend IS a rockstar, my best girl friends are a well-traveled photographer (who is a great singer) and an experienced artist manager (who is a model). All of my friends are beautiful and way too talented for their own good. I truly don’t fit in. Like the weird guy on Entourage…seriously…what’s his purpose. What’s MY purpose.

And that’s when God smacked me in the face.

Okay, figuratively (although it felt more literal). God knows my heart. He knows my thoughts. He made me. And although He gave me a servant’s heart, that’s not what would happen if I had gotten this job. This job would’ve been a way to say ‘look at me…look at what I do…look at who I hang with…don’t you wish you were me…’ and that’s not what neither myself nor this guy needed. God saved me from putting myself in that position. And when I realized this and prayed for guidance and forgiveness. He showed up. Instantaneously.

Two days later, I was going to the Crosspoint offices to help Jehan with some stuff for Charge. Pulling up to the church, I get a phone call from Sarah in the main office…asking if I can come meet with her at some point in the week. So, I walked in and talked with her for a bit and the next day she called me and offered me a job! I start on Monday.

I don’t deserve this. Truly, I don’t. But God has always been far more gracious to me than I deserve. I’m honored to have this job that I can go to and do work in His house and bring Him, not me, glory. I’m grateful for a chance to be allowed to use my servant’s heart for everyone there. It feels like going home…and I can’t wait to start.

Day 8 — Your favorite internet friend that you’ve never met
Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet
Day 10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to
Day 11 — A deceased person you wish you could talk to
Day 12 — Your dream vacation
Day 13 — Something you’re looking forward to
Day 14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from
Day 15 — The person you miss the most
Day 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country
Day 17 — The place you wish you were from
Day 18 — The person that you wish you could be
Day 19 — Something that makes you different
Day 20 — Your favorite television shows
Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression
Day 22 — Your pet peeves
Day 23 — The last person you kissed
Day 24 — The person that gave you your favorite memory
Day 25 — A life changing moment
Day 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to
Day 27 — The thing you most enjoy doing
Day 28 — Someone that changed your life
Day 29 — Your talent
Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror