…even if i tried i couldn’t run away…

I know what you’re thinking. It’s been a minute.

In all fairness, I never said I’d be any good at this – and you can see that in the 30 day challenge that took me almost half a year to complete. But I will also say that I’ve wanted to put this out there for so long and have never had the courage to do so. Until now.

I just got off the phone with my amazing best friend. It was one of our semi-annual phone catch up dates (because I’m a horrible friend and am terrible at picking up the phone to call anyone…but at least I’m aware of it, right?). I always feel like she finds me right in the middle of my i’m-completely-overwhelmed-and-everything-is-458723984502978-times-more-dramatic-because-of-it moments, which I’m super sorry for but I also know she’d tell me to stop apologizing about it. I shared with her, as I always do, the truth of where I’m at. The truth is 2011 was a difficult year for me. I feel like I learned more, did more, saw more than I ever dreamed imaginable, but I did every bit of it fighting, kicking, and screaming. I’m finally feeling like I’m settling in and growing at my job – finding rest in the confidence and calling God has on me there – but now my personal life is falling apart. Almost like as soon as the sky stopped falling and all seemed right that now the bottom is falling out and there’s nothing I can do to stop it.

After all of this…and quite a bit of my being emotional – which she is a saint to be able to dissect what I’m saying through the tears – Rachel responds by telling me a quote from Jon Acuff. That’s always what you want to hear. Christian satire when you’re feeling most vulnerable. Great. I half expected him to show up in my room with some sort of Jesus juke about how my life really isn’t all that bad, to which I’d agree…and would probably also laugh at. But instead of a joke, she shared something that hit me like a brick.

     We expect that God will only teach us lessons through our sufferings.

Whoa.

In that, I’m reminded of how extremely painful, yet beautiful sharing the journey of brokenness can be. I’m not good at vulnerability. In the moments when I feel weak, I run. I find a place where I can have my moment in complete solitude, then come back out ready for the next because, as always, the show must go on. In the times that I want to learn and grow and cultivate new friendships, I convince myself that I have enough friends and don’t need to invest with any others – knowing good and well that my bests are in Colorado, Texas, Florida and one has decided to walk away, which opens up wounds I can’t even begin to explain. And heaven forbid I’m shown any interest from a boy, I inevitably search for something wrong in him that I can then use to separate myself from him because I know if he got any closer, he’d see how unbelievably imperfect I am and would beat me to the punch of walking away.

I feel like I’ve been standing on the edge for the past few months. Looking across to what’s ahead – my goals, my dreams, my future – just knowing that there’s no way to get there. The longer I stand here, the bigger the chasm becomes until it’s just me in a constant state of being simply stuck. All of these are situations of being stuck I completely do to myself. Do I believe that God can use our suffering to teach us lessons? Yes. Do I think that’s the only place he does this? Absolutely not. I see his love for me with every sunset. I hear him speak words of life over me through the closest of friends, and even perfect strangers. I feel his hand of guidance during any time spent with my boss, co-workers and mentors. I make the lessons difficult. Not him.

2012 is going to be a year of refinement. A time to really see all the imperfections in my heart and life and a time to get rid of them. I know that it’s impossible to do alone, but this is still a work in progress.

So there it is. My honest confession that I’m not okay. I’m not fine. I am, indeed, broken.

…but Your love never fails…

…thanks for playing, try again…

Earlier this week, I read a great blog from Chad Missildine. In it, he dissected what he thought was the biggest mistake that single people make. (It’s being discontent, for the record.) I have to say that I agree. But since reading that, I’ve realized that we could take it one step further. So, I want to take a minute to unearth what single girls are doing wrong.

As girls – like it or not (and I don’t) – we analyze. There’s a step-by-step thought process to what we wear, who we’re spending time with, what we eat – and don’t forget the ‘why’ for all of this – and on and on and on. Relationships are a whole different story. Personally, my tendency is to assume the worst and really sabotage my friendships and relationships because I don’t feel like I deserve them (Lies). As I was thinking about a recent friendationship (you can have that one…it’s free), I realized something huge for me. Ladies and gentlemen, pay attention. I’m about to let you in on the big secret. Here we go…

Girls often confuse convenience with love.

Whoa…I know. Pump. Those. Brakes. Let’s dig in.

Tara-Leigh Cobble, a friend of mine and very talented writer, in her book
Here’s to Hindsight
had this to say:

“In my experience, the inherent problem with male-female friendships is this: girls tend to fall for familiarity, and guys tend to fall for mystery. As the girl gets to know her guy friend better and learns about his character, he becomes more and more attractive to her; meanwhile she becomes less mysterious and intriguing to him, and she slowly sinks into the quicksand of ‘Just-Friends Land’.”

Pretty smart, right? That about sums it up for me. I think we often get mixed up in thinking that just because there’s someone who cares for us that’s frequently around that there should be some sort of romanticism there. Definitely not the case. We need to stop settling for just “what’s around.” The amount of stories I’ve heard about girls (though I’ve seen guys do this, too) saying and doing whatever necessary to keep a relationship that they know is NEVER going to work, if they’re being honest, moving forward is appalling. We weren’t made for just okay. Especially not when God has our best interest at heart.

Yes, I believe there comes a point where discontentment is the issue. Our parents’ society set us up to believe that there is a formula for our lives: we go to school, then college, get a job, get married, start a family, keep working, spoil some grandkids, retire, the end. For so many years, I’ve been shooting for “what’s next” on the list of things to do in my life. The problem is our generation is waiting longer and longer to get married. It’s a conflict of interest; I’m not ready to even THINK about marriage, but I feel unfulfilled – like I’m missing out on something by being 25 and only casually dating.

I’ve lost count of how many times my friends and I have sat around talking about our guys friends and the thought “I just can’t read if he’s interested or not” comes in to play. Why do we feel the need to complicate these things? If the other person is interested, they’re going to let you know. It’s time to stop worrying about it and just enjoy each other. I know I’d rather just kick back and watch the game with my boys than wonder which one may or may not “like me”. No one likes confusion and games (and we’re getting a liiiiiiittle too old for them), so let’s just agree to stop playing them. Let’s enjoy this season of learning, growth, and independence and remember that, at the end of the day, what’s gonna happen will happen. Besides, the other secret is this: there’s no rush.

Just sayin’.

…i didn’t know if you knew, so i’m taking this chance to say…

My friendwhomihaveknownforwaytoolongtonotcallhersister Becky came over early (okay, it was like 11) today. We painted our nails, talked about boys, hopped in a car and drove down the highway listening to country music. We ate at a Texas original restaurant and shopped til we couldn’t anymore. Then we got back in the car, talked about boys a little more, made onnnnnnnne little stop at Nordstrom, and then the sun set.

After a mildly frustrating arrival at home, I decided to go to Target. A song came on a mix cd I found that I hadn’t heard since high school during the drive. It reminded me of a much simpler time and a person who I feel like I sometimes lose sight of. It made me miss getting in trouble with Mackenzie. It brought back the very distinct sound of laughter that follows hours of scarf jump-roping. In that moment, I became hyper aware of who I am today. The problem – in my opinion – with my society is that we can be anyone we want on social media. We can support a cause without giving them a single penny or second of our time, we can criticize government and injustice without getting out of bed, and we can boost our own ego sitting alone in a coffee shop. I’m guilty of it, too. And honestly, this wasn’t the point I wanted to make. What I’m really trying to say – or ask, rather – is who the hell are you, anyway?

The one thing I can always remember my dad telling me growing up was to never act like I’m better than where I came from. Any of my friends here in Nashville will tell you that I LOVE my hometown. And love it, I do. But more than a city, I loved who I was there. I was bare feet running through my neighborhood. I was jeans and a tshirt for as far back as I can remember. I was the sound of loud (go figure) laughter with a friend into the wee hours of the morning. I was the middle child of a middle class family whose love was never not shown.

I believe that, in leaving home, you have to branch out of your original story. You add chapters and new characters come into the picture. But, I never want to forget the worst trouble I ever got into throwing a party with Mackenzie. I can’t imagine not sitting in Anessa’s bedroom telling her bedtime stories. I don’t know who I’d be without Sarah, or Marci, or Mallory. I never want there to be a time when my heart doesn’t explode with joy at the sound of my dad’s laugh or hearing my mom sing. And for that reason, I am so glad that I get to have a little piece of home here in Becky. Having someone who knows not only who I am, but who I’ve been and who I always will be, is the most comforting thing. I love her here for those times when a single look says a million words that only someone you’ve known since you were seven could understand.

Little sister, I am grateful for you more than you know. I am so proud to see you fully come into your own. I love getting to share this adventure with you. And I had the best day with you today.

…what a difference a day makes…

I can remember being a little girl and playing outside for as long as possible. I remember running through the neighborhood – with bare feet, of course – climbing trees, tossing a football, jumping on trampolines. I dreaded that time when the street lights came on because I knew my mom would be coming out on the front porch to call us inside. I would always try to hide from her or would just whine and complain with every step to the front door. I don’t want to go in! I want to keep playing! But I’m fine out here! I can still see! I know what I’m doing! I’m okay on my own! I can handle this! Let me do it!

It wouldn’t be far-fetched to say that I’ve seen God the exact same way this past year. He’s been stepping out on the porch and calling me to him. The funny thing is, I’ve been scared to give him all of me; to fully step into his goodness. Why? Your answer is as good as mine…but it’s just that fear of stepping out in the unknown. Who wouldn’t be scared to leave home without a job to go chase after her life? Who wouldn’t be terrified to join up with the most solid team of people who know each other so well and have to not only be the new kid, but the young kid? Who wouldn’t rather hide when you make a huge mistake and have to regroup?

The painful beauty in all of this is that, with each time he’s called me to the porch, I’ve grown. I’ve learned to trust people in a whole new way. I’ve learned just who I am and what I’m capable of. I’ve learned (the hard way) that I can’t do everything, and I can’t do it alone.

A year ago, I wrote out the job I thought I wanted. God is still far more gracious to me than I deserve. And it just so happens that today is a pretty big day for me. Today marks my first year of serving with the staff that I now call family at Cross Point. A year of trials. A year of errors. A year of successes. A year of laughter…of tears…of misses…of fears…of happiness. A year of growth. I’m not dumb enough to believe that it hasn’t been all perfect, it never will be. But it’s been all good. There is beauty in messing up so bad that you have to have others pick you up. That kind of growth can’t be done alone. I am so fortunate that this day was a Tuesday where I got to see each member of my family and truly realize what a difference – not even a year makes – what a DAY makes. These people have changed my heart and my world and I am so thankful that they’ve allowed me in to their lives. I can’t imagine doing life without them, and I hope I never have to.

Tonight, we’re having our 2nd Worship Night here at the Nashville Campus. I can’t think of a better way to celebrate than spending some time glorifying the one who freely gives it all for us and who has blessed me so much more than I deserve.

…his love is wide and it covers us…

Over the past couple of months, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and dreaming. For most people, this is a very exciting process. For me? It takes a minute. Everything is internal. If there’s something on my mind, I can guarantee you I’m playing out the scenario and every possible option/outcome that may or may not happen just to prepare myself before I’ll allow anyone else to be a part of the decision…and usually, at that point, the decision has already been made.

I do realize the problem in that is we were created to be relational. Part of relationships is allowing people to see the parts of yourself that aren’t perfect. I’m not saying that I want or need to broadcast every bit of my life to everyone, but I think it’s only healthy to allow people to walk through life with you in an intimate way. I’ve got a bad habit of allowing people in to my life who will say and do things to make me feel good, but won’t call me out when I need it. Clearly, I can handle the rest on my own. (That was sarcasm, just incase you missed it.) I’m so fortunate that God has plopped some pretty influential women (mostly northerners, go figure) in my life who not only encourage me, but push me to be the best version of myself possible – and in that, it’s time that I get back to what’s on my heart: high school students.

If you’ve read this blog at all, you’ve probably caught on to the fact that I was abused as a child. It’s not a secret, but for the longest time I lived like it was. That pain, that damage caused me to do things that I regret and created a skewed and septic self-image that sometimes still is hard not to believe. But God, with all of his humor, has given me influence over High School students for years. It’s so funny to me that while I was one of them, I knew no one could ever know who I truly was and what I’d been through because I would end up having to eat lunch in the bathroom because of the shame. Yet now, the pain, the hurt, the confusion are all tools to show that God can take the ugliest and most disgusting things about ourselves and use them to show others how He can restore, renew and revive a life! It wasn’t until opening up to my girls in my parents’ living room two Christmases ago that I was truly able to be free…and let them know that they are not alone or solely defined by what has happened to them.

Recently at Cross Point, we introduced a song to our congregation. These are the words that consistently echo in my head:

He lavishes such love upon us. He calls us now His sons and daughters. He’s reaching out…

We each have a story. We each have a history. I’m not going to say that I would have ever asked for mine, but I also can’t imagine where I’d be without it. To be able to be used for good despite what has happened to me is the most overwhelming gift I could have ever received. I am so grateful.

…love will free you from your fear…

I’m not easily intimidated. There are very few things that truly catch me off guard. I would say there are plenty of things I’m pretty confident about. That being said, it’s time for a little confession that may be a little shocking to you: I’m the most insecure person I know.

Just this week, I found myself very offended at not being included in what I’ve heard was an event no one should ever miss. I didn’t know how to respond to the countless pictures, videos, tweets and facebook posts that I couldn’t help but look at. But the more I looked, the more my heart broke…and the more I convinced myself that these people didn’t want me around. Two days later, a good buddy accused me of being “weird as hell”. I tried to laugh it off, but he was spot on.

Lately, I’ve noticed myself pushing people away. It’s not something I want to do, but if I feel like people are letting go, I try to beat them to the punch so I’m not the one left shattered on the floor. The problem is, that’s only hurting me in the end. See, somewhere along the line, I choose to agree with the lie that I’m never going to be enough; good enough, strong enough, pretty enough. It’s a crippling disease, this fear stuff. It’s costed me friendships, caused me countless heart breaks and has affected the way I work and the way the people I work with view me. When you don’t believe in yourself, it’s pretty difficult for anyone else to believe in you.

Every day is a battle in my mind, and most days it feels as if I’m losing the war. What I do know is that I can’t go on functioning this way.

I’m so thankful for the fact that His mercies aren’t just new in the mornings, but that they’re new even now. And now is the time for change. Now is the time that I tell my good friend insecurity that he’s over stayed his welcome. Now is the time to have a victory. The plans are rolling out and I’m excited for the chance to prove my worth…not to anyone else but myself.

when there’s nothing to believe in, I believe in you
forget the past and let My hand in yours be the proof
though the strong could be my company, you’re the one I choose
so, remember, I believe in you

I know it feels like every eye is watching you
waiting for you to fall, expecting you to lose
but I see victory, so all you have to do
is remember, I believe in you

there will come a day when Love will lift you out of here
there will come a day when Love will bring the truth
there will come a day when Love will free you from your fear
and you’ll remember: I believe in you

I believe even when I see you crying
I believe – let Me dream for you
when nothing comes from trying
remember: I believe in you

…summer summer summertime…

It’s time to get out of my own head voice for a minute.

If you haven’t figured it out yet, I serve on staff at a pretty rockin’ church here in Nashville called Cross Point. I love so much about this place – the raw community, the desire to serve, the tough lessons I learn each week – but I am consistently standing in awe of the team I’m surrounded by. This summer will be no exception.

Our Senior Pastor, Pete Wilson is going to be traveling for most of the month of July. This left our team with a huge opportunity to create a summer series that would be both fun and something to really drive home conversation. Thus, our Creative Arts team came up with Summer Slam.

The whole premiss of this series is allowing our communicators to share scriptures that leave them with more questions than answers; things that they’re wrestling with. They’re inviting us in to their story and I couldn’t be more excited.

I love any time that we get to hear from our Bellevue Campus Pastor – Justin Davis and Nashville Campus Pastor – Blake Bergstrom. The wisdom and life that pours out of these two is just unreal. In this series, we’ll also get to hear from a couple of fresh faces: our Dickson Campus Pastor – Willy Maxwell and our new North Campus Pastor – Brent Hodge. But what I love about this series even more is that we won’t just be hearing from our pastoral staff. We’re bringing in a couple of our attenders to share their hearts and thoughts, which takes it to another level.

Carlos Whittaker is a worship leader and serves with our music team here at Cross Point. He’s quickly becoming one of my favorite people because of his heart. He’s an advocate for worship, adoption and authenticity. I’ve never met someone with so much drive and passion who also lives out and backs up everything he’s saying. I count myself very fortunate to know him and call him friend.

Jon Acuff is an author and blogger working at Dave Ramsey. I’ve followed Stuff Christians Like, a satire blog of his, for a few years now. His humor is so relatable. I can vividly remember where I was when I first read my most favorite of his posts, Thinking You’re Naked. I giggled at the title, but by the time I got to the bottom of the page was practically in tears. He has a natural gift for speaking the truth, whether he would agree or not.

Check out this promo video…it’s pretty awesome:

It’s going to be a great summer at Cross Point. I’m excited for the opportunity to learn and grow more and to really come in to a place of leadership that I know I’m capable of. So thankful He’s not finished with me yet.

…nobody said it was easy…

Last night was one of the most refreshing nights I’ve had in quite a while.

Tuesday started off with a bang, having set my alarm an hour earlier than normal so I could be awake to begin my morning on the phone with the post office about a missing package. After an hour of back and forth and an extremely awkward exchange with a very sassy postal woman, I leave for the office. The morning was chaotic, but Tuesday’s are our meeting days and usually are. My stress levels were off the charts – mainly due to the missing package – but I tend to do things better when I’m stressed since it helps me focus on something other than the problem at hand. Then my favorite part of Tuesday arrived – staff lunch.

Our senior pastor, Pete, is sharing, teaching and encouraging us right now about the different ways we can lead: upward, outward, inward and horizontal. Something he said really struck a chord with me and the thoughts I’ve been having lately. Pete reminded us that we have to invest in relational chemistry; that we have to invest in people if we want them to invest in us. I suck at this. No really. I’m awful. But last night reminded me just how important relational chemistry is.

I’ve been really struggling with my heart for a certain friend of mine. I don’t feel like she’s in a good place and I know that the things she’s saying aren’t lining up with the things she’s doing and it makes me want to run. I am very protective of the team I’m surrounded by and when I feel like someone poses a threat, I’ll be the first to stand up on the front lines to defend the people I love.

Yesterday, I spent my evening with a very lively young girl who has starting leading worship with our team recently. The minute she showed up she exclaimed “let’s go on a walk!” and so we did. Walking through my super cute neighborhood and hearing her heart and passion for people, our church and her faith just set me on fire. We came back to the house and shared our stories and talked about the difference in singing a worship song, leading worship and ushering people in to the throne room…the wisdom and heart she had just floored me. It was so refreshing. We went for another walk and talked more about our dreams and hopes and also about barbecue…but that’s another story. When it came time to leave, I realized what had just happened. I was able to sit there and hear her and then turn around to edify and encourage her the way my mentor always does with me.

The truth is – in the end – people are worth the investment. Even when the investment comes back null and void. Everything in life is seasonal, friendships included. But not investing in the people around us hurts more in the long run. I’m still trying to find this balance…and it’s not easy, but when I think about people who have invested in my life, it seems just wrong to not pay it forward.

(and just so you know, the package did show up and I was able to give it to the person it was for. i love giving gifts. especially really awesome gifts.)

…i’d give all i have if you could stay like that…

So I found an old picture of me the other day. It’s probably my most favorite picture of myself I’ve ever found. Take a look:

I’ve been completely captivated by it. I keep looking at it with mixed emotions…I think she’s cute and all but it’s hard to not be jealous of her. Instead of letting all these thoughts just sit in my head, I decided to write her a letter.

Sweet girl,

Do you remember where this picture was taken? I do. I remember this day. Mom was still pregnant with Daryl and we were visiting Josh’s grandparents. We played on the swing set. If you look closely, you’ll see that your nose is running…which means you were playing just a little too hard. You always did. But that’s okay. Keep doing that.

You are going to have so much fun over the years. So many adventures, vacations and friendships that you are going to remember forever. But sadly, you have no idea the significance that this picture holds. Life isn’t going to be easy for you, sister. Everything is going to change for you, but keep that smile. You’ll need it.

You are going to do some amazing things…things that you never dreamed possible. You are going to make friends with amazing people who you can’t even imagine. Know that things change and friends will leave, but don’t take it personally. Everything in life is seasonal. You’re going to meet people who live life differently and believe differently than you. That’s okay. Everybody has to find their own way. Don’t treat people like they’re broken and you’re the only one who can fix them. That’s just silly, but keep that heart…you’re a helper and that’s going to come in handy. Don’t be devastated when things don’t work out…sometimes the way things happen (or don’t) is a blessing. God will save you from doing a lot of really stupid things over the years, but don’t regret a single step you take. That’s what this journey is all about. Keep pushing forward. Keep dreaming. You’re gonna be just fine.

Do me a favor and go hug tight on Granny & Poppi and Grandma Lottie & Papa Jim. Remember the way you feel in their arms. Eventually they won’t be there anymore…but you’ll remember their laughs, smiles and the way the made you feel…which is loved (and a little like a princess…which you are!). You and your brother will eventually be great friends (but he’ll still have that weird sense of humor…just laugh, it really is funny). Be a little nicer to your sister. She just wants to be like you. I know that seems silly and is a lot of pressure, but just oblige her. You both end up leading very different lives and wanting very different things…so it’s not a big deal to wear the same outfits and get the same presents. Besides, pretending to be twins and mannequins together will be some of the funniest memories you’ll have. Mom is really the best. She’s very wise, so don’t roll your eyes at her so much…she really does know what she’s talking about. Dad will be your best friend, but don’t deceive him. It never works and you end up just hating yourself for it.

When March of your 4th grade year comes along and that fateful day approaches that changes how you see yourself, remember that you are loved. I know what happens is so confusing, but when you start to doubt that your parents care, know that they’re doing the best they can. They’ve never dealt with this either. I promise people can’t see it all over your face, so don’t hide from them. Not everyone is so dark and cold. And as hard as it is, forgive him. He may have been old enough to know better, but he was hurt, too. You don’t have to love him or even like him, but you have to let it go. It’s not healthy to be this angry all the time…trust me, I know. And you may not believe it, but this horrible thing will be a catalyst to connect you to so many other girls.

You are loved, baby girl. Hold on to the good times. They really do far outweigh the bad ones. Don’t be scared to put yourself out there. This world gets crazy, but it’s a beautiful place. Take lots of deep breaths and enjoy it. You only get to do this once!

Don’t you ever grow up,
Me

…maybe we shouldn’t…

I woke up in a weird mood today. I’ve been feeling very burdened lately; everything just seems heavy. It’s causing me to see things in a light that I normally wouldn’t and also allowing me to be really honest with myself.

This past weekend I allowed a dear friend to see a very ugly side of my heart. I knew that if anyone could understand the whereabouts of my heart as of late, it would be her. It shouldn’t have surprised me in the least when she knew what I wanted to talk about…even called me out on it. Guess I’m not as mysterious as I’d like to think.

Matters of the heart are tricky. Everything turns into this big gray mess of blurry lines and sometimes it’s hard to figure out how you got to where you are. All I know is that the things I always thought would come easy are the most difficult things to deal with. It’s seems so easy to be just who I am and to allow people in to my story. But when people start reading a little deeper in to the chapters, I just want to snatch the book out of their hands and throw it back under the bed. I keep hearing people say that everybody wants to be known, but honestly, the feeling of being truly known just makes me want to vomit.

I could tangibly see the fear in my dear friend’s eyes as I invited her to see the brokenness I’ve created for myself. And just when I was getting ready to close the book, she allowed me to read a new chapter in her story, too. I realized then that her fear was that I was going through the very things she saw herself go through at my age. There wasn’t an ounce of judgement in her face or the tone in which she spoke to me; sincerity was all that flowed from her heart. And just like that, I decided to leave the book in her hands.

I believe that God puts us with people at just the right moment. My heart really is going on a path all its own and I really don’t like it. But I’m so thankful that I have an amazing friend who will walk beside me even when the chapters get messy.